“Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Lock Your Cell Phones”

So, my best guy friend for the last 2 years had been coming around a lot lately. Always calling, always stopping by, always listening to my dating issues: my let down heart and hopeful thinking that I would somehow stumble upon Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now. He was always there when I needed him , and it was refreshing to know that I could count on him . So, when he came over for dinner one night it all made sense when he opened up the conversation with “Jenny, I am still in love with you, and I want to be with you, and I have been sitting around watching you date these guys who treat you like shit and I can’t take it anymore because I want to be the man that is there for you and the man that you can depend on, because nobody loves you like I do”.

I took a big chug of wine, and then another. I replied with “you know, I have always wondered why we weren’t’ together if we are such good friends, so I think this is something for us to consider”. I mean, here is my best friend confessing his love for me, telling me what an amazing woman I am and that I was basically the one he wanted to spend his life with because nobody loved me like he did.l Why wouldn’t I believe him, and why wouldn’t I think, wow, maybe HE is Mr. Right?

It all started to go downhill from there .

We watched a movie after dinner, and we did the whole “make out” thing. It was safe, this was my best friend and he loves me, right?. Now, I am not a professional call girl , but I can tell if a guy is aroused or not during a make out session, and well, he wasn’t. That kind of surprised me. Yes, if I am kissing a guy, he SHOULD be aroused instantly. So I asked him about it. He said that he couldn’t be physical with me because he loved me too much, he respected me as a woman and didn’t want to give me the wrong impression, and wanted to wait until we were both ready. Wow. I am thinking, this is serious, this could be IT!!!! Wrong.

The next morning, we had a sweet conversation on my way to work, and I told him how much I was impressed with what he had to say and how he wanted to hold off on the physical portion of getting romantically reacquainted. After we hang up, the phone rings again, it’s Eric, and here is how the conversation went:

“Hello”

No Answer

Hello, E J , are you there”

No Answer, but I hear his voice talking to someone else. I recognize that voice as a coworker that Eric works with, Mr.T. For the next couple minutes, I sit in my car, listening to a conversation with Eric and Mr. T. You see, EJ phone was in his pocket and happened to call me, on accident:

“yeah, shit man, that was Jenny. She’s all impressed that I finally told her how I felt and that I didn’t actually try to f fuck her fine ass . Yeah, but the thing is, shit I mean, I fucked 2 bitches this weekend, and one right before I got to Jenny’s house and shit , I was all fucked out, I was too tired to even try and fuck Jenny. Shit I tried to fuck her but my shit wouldn’t even get hard, that is how fuckin’ tired I was”

I hang up. HOLY SHIT Did I really just hear this conversation? Did E J’s phone really just call me on accident and let me listen in on an evil conversation that involved my name? My phone rings again, same thing, his phone is calling me on accident! I hear the remainder of the conversation:

“Shit , yeah, she was 23 and has a kid, but yeah we fucked and that shit was alright, not planning on calling her back or anything but it was alright”

So Ok, that was one of the other girls he was talking about because my old ass is 28. I was in total shock from what I just heard EJ say about me. Not to mention I was hurt, angry and devastated that my friend, the guy who supposedly loved me had betrayed me right before my own eyes. So I called his work and had him paged.

“Hi EJ I just heard your conversation with Mr. T at work, I find it interesting that you were too “fucked out” to try to fuck me Sunday. I thought you said that you didn’t want to sleep with me because you said about you wanted to be the man in my life and wanted to respect me and that you LOVED me ? ”

Silence on the other end.

“Hello, E J ? yeah, I heard the whole conversation , what do you have to say?”

More Silence

Then he finally says “That’s not what I meant, that’s not what I said, errh, uh, no, no, no”

“Goodbye E J ” hang up.

When things like this happen, when someone betrays me beyond what I can digest it’s time to just walk away , or what a friend of mine calls “delete delete” . Usually, I have to put out a little effort to find these things out, you know, I have to do a little searching and prodding or going through his cell phone to find out that someone is betraying me or is not what I think they are. Ha, but this one, this one just fell onto my lap! Someone, I call them “Fate”, decided to have E J’s phone call me and just let me hear it for myself. No time wasted.

Next application please.

I’m feeling all kinds of peppy today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

So in honor of feeling great.
Might I suggest?
Sparkling Cranberry Cocktail
3 oz. cranberry Juice
5 oz. Prosseco
You can pour over ice or serve chilled in tall glass.
Garnish with lemon

And a little metaphor on men and shoes from my girl, Grillo.

Today on my way to work I passed Payless Shoes and, I started thinking.
Most men we meet
Are like a pair of Payless Shoes
We look at them,
They look good
Look trendy
But they don’t quite fit
And they don’t last long
And they hurt like hell
But they are a quick fix
To a little somethin’ somethin’.
And after we are over them,
We can only throw them away.
Because the truth is,
They just get us through the tough times.
Until we can be with our real true love,
Manolo Blahnik