Chantel Williams

Chantel Williams 2009 - Photo by Dr. Brian King

I arrived in San Francisco two years ago July. I KNOW, it seems like its been a really long time. Some days I feel like I was born here- other days when I’m walking through the Mission and wishing I was as skinny as some of the hipsters which makes me feel like I belong in the Nation’s midsection and; I am the size of the Nation’s midsection.

I started working at Castagnola’s in July 2008 as a hostess. Some time around January 2009 I was officially promoted to Assistant General Manager. On March 31st 2009 Dr. B and I produced our first Wharf Room Comedy Showcase in the banquet room of Castagnola’s. In the time since that day we have grown to 4 shows per week, an annual contest which pushed our winter schedule to 5 nights per week ANNNNDDDD… if you’re not tired enough; we started and open mic at Pier 23 Cafe on the Embarcadero.

My writing had fallen off before I started comedy. That’s no excuse – but it almost became impossible to write anything that wasn’t a dick joke in the last year. One of my more famous jokes; “Brian proves that not everything from Texas is bigger”……. yuk, yuk, yuk.

This last 11 months I have worked a regular schedule of 15 hour days, six days a week. If I needed to take an extra day for a weekend I generally worked 8 straight days which was the case last September when I drove to Portland to pick up Luna and, to visit my Children and a few friends. The day that I left for Portland I had two HUGE events at the restaurant and, 2 employees walk out on me because I wasn’t as patient and nice as I usually am. Six hours later, 3 hours late; I jumped in the car and proceeded to have the worst road trip in the history of road trips because I was pissed, tired and, grumpy. Ain’t not grumpy like me. And when I’m grumpy Dr. B seems to be the worst person to be around – guess what? I was stuck in a car with him for 12 straight hours.

Included in the last 11 months have been a few health issues. I added 15 pounds to my back side, I’ve developed a severe allergy to god knows what that includes, facial swelling and what appear, and feel like, chemical burns around my eyes and mouth. OOOOH LUCKY ME!! I perform on stage several nights a week and I look like I washed my face with nuclear sludge. Who knows if the allergies were from work, or stress or if someone is actually poisoning me. I do know that I give 150% to any job I do, whether or not that energy is directed and successful in the right places remains a mystery. The point being that I stress myself out until I’m sick.

Choices had to be made.

I’ve been encouraged by several people to go on stage. I HAVE IT RECORDED AND I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU!! , at about the 10.55 mark. So there bitches– And thanks to Tim Taylor. After a lot of encouragement I did finally get on stage. You can see it here. I roasted Dr. B and, I showed little boys how to truly “get mid-evil” on someone. Then we started a podcast so I can have a public outlet to deal with all of the bullshit Dr. B, the narcissist/ADD/Comedian puts me through on a weekly basis.

I’ve been talking with Brian about my current mental state of general un-wellness and then one day he looked at me and said, “Babe I got this.” I will now devote 150% of my energy to the one career that fell out of nowhere and makes me very, very happy!!   As of today I am working for myself as a full-time comedy promoter and producer. My first project is taking The Comedy Club at Castagnola’s to the next level and performing along the way.

I’m nervous and unsettled. Unsettled in a way that included me re-arranging, replacing and organizing my entire house in one day. All the laundry is done and the carpet has been vacuumed. We have new shelves and a new desk. I finished unpacking – we moved here a few months ago and I was still living out of boxes. I moved a box yesterday and saw Luna for the first time in months.

“Hello little puppy, Mommy’s home”

Photo by Chantel Williams, 2008

There’s this really cool and really annoying thing that happens when you meet someone who actually supports your hobbies and your interests. The short break from blogging has given me very little insight as to where I’m going with this thing. The one conclusion I came to is that I’m an attention whore and cannot stay away from the teeny amount of low wattage, flickering fluorescent spotlight this here bloggy thingy affords me. Not long after my hiatus began Dr. B started bugging me daily. His type of bugging felt like someone poking me repeatedly in my left shoulder blade accompanied by a strange voice that whispered for hours on end, “Write, write, write, write.” It was his version of encouragement and support. Some people are really good at pep talks, others are good as being just annoying enough to badger you and brow-beat you until you do what they tell you to. Most of these people we call socio-paths; one of them I call my boyfriend.

Imagine my surprise a few months after Dr. B and I met that he announced that he had a “website” that had gone without an update for some time. He calls it a website and refused to call it a blog. He’s not just a blogger; he’s an advice columnist. So I went to his WEBSITE one day and I read every single word of it – TWICE. I didn’t do it to critique it in any professional way and, I didn’t do it in an artistic curiosity. I did it because we were newly dating and I wanted DIRT; I wanted the juicy details of his past. I was hoping it would give me some insight to him as a person, and as a guy or as a person whom I would be having sex with on a regular basis. I got nuthin’ pretty much but the sex sure was good.

So I’m pretty much gonna lay it out here for you. You’ll find a guy who loves boobs, women and sex. I have never met a man who didn’t really dig all of those things, possibly in that order. But on the first few dates men usually hide those things. I do believe that Dr. B and I talked about fisting for most of our first date. The one thing that you may not realize is that Dr. B really is a doctor. A PhD with a focus in sexuality. So his advice column is strictly (ahem) based on scientific research and expert opinion.

What’s the deal?

Write him a question and he’ll answer it. I’ll guarantee you it won’t be politically correct. There will be bad jokes and jokes that are just plain not fit for civilized consumption but, you’ll at least be entertained. If you don’t ask him questions all the nagging I’ve done for the last six months will be all for naught. I need the help around here; if he gives me another scientific argument to diffuse my professional opinion I may have to break his other finger.

Go visit Dr. B at The Siphon right away.

http://www.thesiphon.com/