Hard Knock Life
This sometimes is the song playing in my head; because I looked a lot like Little Orphan Annie as a kid. For more than one reason this is true about me. I once had to sing “Tomorrow” from Little Orphan Annie for a Mc Donalds happy meal when I lived in Tennessee. Of course it was appropriate. We were bunking with some friends for the first half of our two year road trip to Oregon. My mother kept my hair short and which led to an Annie Afro. I was all of 7 years old, embarrassed, hungry and, bearing a terrible singing voice. But I went for it like it was American Idol because, I really wanted that cheeseburger. Oh how I coveted the cheeseburger.
Last night was one of those nights on stage. Its a night where you learn hard lessons, slowly, painfully, repetitively. After my host set which didn’t go well, I watched as comic after comic went on stage and watched the audience hand them their ass. I host for the most part and, my job is to keep the show going, keep the audience engaged, introduce the next comic with as much enthusiasm as the one before. Its the kind of night where a more seasoned comic will sit in the back and teach you how to read the audience, offer quick advice on the fly and cringe as we all come down wondering; “What the fuck are we doing in this business?”
Its the kind of night where you,
a.) want to try again so bad it makes your stomach hurt or,
b.) makes you want to throw up.
Mine was the latter.
Of course there are a few comics who made it out alive. But, its my show and I want it to be good, great; every time. I haven’t been performing long enough to have a “philosophy” to offer other comedians that go on my stage but I do have a few points of advice for those who go on stage night after night after night.
1.) Its our job to make the audience laugh.
2.) If the audience isn’t laughing try something, anything – just move on.
3.) Don’t alienate the audience by repeatedly telling them they suck.
4.) Don’t alienate the audience by telling them to fuck off repeatedly.
5.) Blaming the audience only builds a wall between the audience and you. All of the other comics going after you will have to spend time fixing it. That does nothing but make it unfair for the rest of the comics who follow you.
5.) If an audience smells fear, do something with it. Make it funny and, be honest.
6.) Don’t come down too early or bail on your entire set. Early is fine, too early and you lose credibility with your bookers and your fellow comics.
7.) If you can’t perform sober you should rethink your career choice.
8.) If you get the light early its because you need to get off the stage. Shut up and get your ass off the stage.
Sometimes we will spend sets just getting through our material. Not every set we do will kill, this is part of the learning experience. We must learn how to be uncomfortable and we must learn how to be uncomfortable often. That’s the deal, its hard to get up on stage night after night after night. It takes years to learn this, if it were easy everyone would be doing it. I covet laughs now, I covet acceptance from my audience and my peers. Most of all I covet the comfort that performers find on stage and this I’m afraid, will take me longer than most. For me a laugh is now better than a cheeseburger but, I might sing if I could get a laugh. A cheeseburger would fit the bill for now. But I would still sing for either just like American Idol.
