Chantel Williams

That�s what I�m doing. I�m walking away from the keyboard today because I have to go do my laundry. I�m home from work today because I think I tried to poison myself AGAIN with left-over chicken. This happens when you like your own cooking as much as I do. Sometimes you just can�t remember how many days it�s been since you cooked that creamy chicken dish and you decide to give a whirl in the microwave anyway. So last night I found out it was too long when the doubled over stomach pain kicked in. Then I spent the night hovering around the bathroom hoping to throw up which never happened. It falls short of any type of satisfaction like playing �air guitar� or the less popular but I more frequently attempted, �air sex�.

So to make my life worse I�ve decided to go to the laundry-mat. I can�t wait any longer, I�ve made it through my entire underwear wardrobe and one more day would put me in sloth-ville. I would use my apartment laundry except the washer and dryer are smaller than a tick�s den and just as dangerous. Plus they cost more than my monthly rent once you get all of your laundry done. I�ve really considered the .85 a pound option at the local laundry but I cannot let strangers �handle� my underwear.

GROSS, not like the mention of �air sex� and throwing up didn�t get you.

I�ve decided to put on some make-up so I don�t scare the laundry attendant. Not like it wouldn�t be a mutual scare; me without make-up and her yelling her normal Russian greeting as I walk through the door even out the fright factor. As I was standing over my bottomless turquoise train case that I use for my make-up and I couldn�t find my �natural� colored eye cr�me. I started �air yelling� at my daughter who left for camp this morning and then �air lamented� the fact that I would have to live without it for 7 days. A moment later when I moved the one-gallon can of spackle I use for my wrinkles I saw my eye cr�me. I had to issue and �air apology�.

Dear Ms. Puddin� – I�m sorry I cursed you and your camping trip, I take it all back.
I�m off to do some laundry now, let�s hope I don�t throw up or something worse.

Drink Count
Nothing but Pepto Bismol baby..

This was officially the first weekend off I�ve had in ten weeks. Nothing but blissful thoughts swim through my head as I put my very drunk self to sleep on Friday night.

Thoughts, all I have to do is wake up tomorrow and, go get a massage. And this, how long is the cat going to stand over me expecting some love?

Saturday morning, I was standing in front of my mirror applying a lighter coat of make-up with my paint scraper and putty knife when, my phone beeped. (I only keep it on a beep these days; I highly recommend it. I�m way more relaxed and it never disturbs anyone.) I recognized the number as my aesthetician, yes I know her number by heart.

�Where are you?� she says
�At home covering up my age with some serious spackle� Curious me answers
�Well you�re appointment was at 10:00, its 10:05� She informs me
�Shit, I�ll be there in a minute� I’m now running out the door

So off I go on my first relaxing day off to get my hair ripped out of my skin first thing in the morning. No coffee, no breakfast � I went in cold. I have no words to describe this pain and I have no explanation as to why I do this, except it makes my life much easier.

Then came the massage, and the steam bath, and the pedicure, and the new purse.

Drink Count
3 Vodka Sodas
1 bottle, Prosecco